SIGNS YOUR PARTNER IS DOMINEERING AND CONTROLLING

Unhealthy and dangerous patterns aren't always obvious.

In my years as a psychologist and advice columnist, I've long since learned that stereotypes don't apply when it comes to controlling partners. Toxic relationships can sneak up on almost anyone. And controlling behavior on the part of a partner knows no boundaries—people of any age, gender, sexual orientation or socioeconomic status can be in controlling relationships, playing either role.

Many of us visualize a controlling partner as one who openly berates everyone in their path, is physically aggressive, or constantly makes overt threats or ultimatums. We picture the grumpy bully who belittles every server he or she encounters or commands their partner how to dress from head to toe. While those signs are indeed troubling, there are many additional signs that might show up quite differently.

In fact, some controlling partners are acting out of a sense of emotional fragility and heightened vulnerability, and may perhaps show traits of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. Controlling people use a whole arsenal of tools in order to dominate their partners—whether they or their partners realize what's happening or not.

Sometimes, the emotional manipulation is complex enough that the person who is being controlled actually believes that they themselves are the villain, or that they are extremely lucky that their controlling partner "puts up" with them. Whether controlling behavior leads to more severe emotional or physical abuse or not, it is not a healthy situation.

1. Isolating you from friends and family. It may start subtly, but this is often a first step for a controlling person. Maybe they complain about how often you talk to your brother on the phone, or say they don't like your best friend and don't think you should hang out with her anymore. Or they try to turn you against anyone that you're used to relying on for support besides them. Their goal is to strip you of your support network, and thus your strength—so that you will be less likely or able to stand up against them whenever they want to "win."

2. Chronic criticism—even for small things. Criticism, like isolation, is also something that can start small. In fact, someone may try to convince themselves that their partner's criticism of them is warranted, or that their partner is just trying to help them be a better person. Or they may try to rationalize it, saying that it's not such a big deal that he or she doesn't like the way they dress or speak or eat or decorate their house and that they shouldn't take it personally. But ultimately, no matter how individually small a criticism seems, if it's part of a constant dynamic within your relationship, it would be very tough to feel accepted, loved, or validated. If every little thing you do could use improvement in your partner's eyes, then how are you being valued as a true equal, let alone loved unconditionally?

3. Veiled or overt threats, against you or them. Some people think that threats have to be physical in nature to be problematic. But threats of leaving, cutting off "privileges," or even threats by the controlling person to harm herself or himself can be every bit as emotionally manipulative as the threat of physical violence. It is not unheard of for the partner being controlled to feel stuck in a relationship not out of fear that they themselves will be harmed, but that their partner may self-destruct or harm themselves if they were to leave. Other times, a person may be threatened with losing their home, access to their children, or financial support if they leave a controlling or abusive partner (or are left by them). Whether or not the threats are genuine, it is just another way for the controlling person to get what they want at the expense of their partner.

4. Making acceptance/caring/attraction conditional. "I love you so much more when you're making those sales at work." "I don't feel like being intimate with you. But if you keep working out and lose a bit more weight, you'll be more attractive to me." "If you can't even be bothered to make dinner, I don't even know what I'm getting from this relationship." "You'd be hot if only you spent more time on your hair." "If you'd actually finished college, you'd have something to talk about with my friends and wouldn't feel so left out." Though some of these examples are more blatant than others, the message is the same: You, right now, are not good enough. It's the common-denominator theme of many a controlling relationship.

5. An overactive scorecard. Healthy, stable relationships have a sense of reciprocity built into them. It's inherent that you will look out for each other, and not bean-count every little time you do something to help the other out. If your partner always keeps tally of every last interaction within your relationship—whether to hold a grudge, demand a favor in return, or be patted on the back—it could very well be their way of having the upper hand. And it can be downright exhausting.

6. Using guilt as a tool. Many controlling people are skilled manipulators at making their partner's own emotions work in the controlling person's favor. If they can manipulate their partners into feeling a steady stream of guilt about everyday goings-on, then a lot of the controlling person's work is done for them—their partners will gradually try to do whatever they can to not have to feel guilty. Often this means relenting and giving up power and their own dissenting opinion within the relationship, which plays right into the controlling person's hands.

7. Creating a debt you're beholden to. Controlling people may come on very strongly in the beginning with seemingly romantic gestures. But upon closer inspection, many of those gestures—extravagant gifts, expectations of serious commitment early on, taking you for luxurious meals or on adventurous outings, letting you have full use of their car or home when they're not there—can be used to control you. Specifically, they create an expectation of you giving something in return, or a sense that you feel beholden to that person because of all they've given you. This can make it more emotionally and logistically difficult to escape when further warning bells go off.

8. Spying, snooping, or requiring constant disclosure. A controlling partner typically feels that they have the right to know more than they actually do. Whether they keep their snooping secret or openly demand that you must share everything with them, it is a violation of boundaries from the get-go. Perhaps he or she checks your phone, logs into your email, or constantly tracks your Internet history, and then justifies this by saying they've been burned before, have trust issues, or the old standard: "If you're not doing anything wrong, then you shouldn't mind showing me." It's a violation of your privacy, hand-in-hand with the unsettling message that they have no interest in trusting you and instead want to take on a police-like presence within your relationship.

9. Overactive jealousy, accusations, or paranoia. A partner's jealousy can be flattering in the beginning; it can arguably be viewed as endearing, or a sign of how much they care or how attached they are. When it becomes more intense, however, it can be scary and possessive. A partner who views every interaction you have as being flirtatious, is suspicious or threatened by multiple people you come in contact with, or faults you for innocent interactions because they may be "leading someone on" may be insecure, anxious, competitive or even paranoid. Additionally, when this perspective becomes ingrained within your relationship, they very likely are attempting to be controlling as well.

10. Not respecting your need for time alone. It's another way of sapping your strength: making you feel guilty for time you need on your own to recharge, or making you feel like you don't love them enough when you perhaps need less time with them than they need with you. It is natural that two partners may not automatically have the exact same needs in terms of alone time, even if they are both extroverts (or introverts). In healthy relationships, communication about those needs leads to a workable compromise. In controlling ones, the person needing the alone time is made out to be a villain or denied the time altogether, taking away yet another way they can strengthen themselves.

SIGNS YOUR PARTNER IS DOMINEERING AND CONTROLLING

Unhealthy and dangerous patterns aren't always obvious.

In my years as a psychologist and advice columnist, I've long since learned that stereotypes don't apply when it comes to controlling partners. Toxic relationships can sneak up on almost anyone. And controlling behavior on the part of a partner knows no boundaries—people of any age, gender, sexual orientation or socioeconomic status can be in controlling relationships, playing either role.

Many of us visualize a controlling partner as one who openly berates everyone in their path, is physically aggressive, or constantly makes overt threats or ultimatums. We picture the grumpy bully who belittles every server he or she encounters or commands their partner how to dress from head to toe. While those signs are indeed troubling, there are many additional signs that might show up quite differently.

In fact, some controlling partners are acting out of a sense of emotional fragility and heightened vulnerability, and may perhaps show traits of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. Controlling people use a whole arsenal of tools in order to dominate their partners—whether they or their partners realize what's happening or not.

Sometimes, the emotional manipulation is complex enough that the person who is being controlled actually believes that they themselves are the villain, or that they are extremely lucky that their controlling partner "puts up" with them. Whether controlling behavior leads to more severe emotional or physical abuse or not, it is not a healthy situation.

1. Isolating you from friends and family. It may start subtly, but this is often a first step for a controlling person. Maybe they complain about how often you talk to your brother on the phone, or say they don't like your best friend and don't think you should hang out with her anymore. Or they try to turn you against anyone that you're used to relying on for support besides them. Their goal is to strip you of your support network, and thus your strength—so that you will be less likely or able to stand up against them whenever they want to "win."

2. Chronic criticism—even for small things. Criticism, like isolation, is also something that can start small. In fact, someone may try to convince themselves that their partner's criticism of them is warranted, or that their partner is just trying to help them be a better person. Or they may try to rationalize it, saying that it's not such a big deal that he or she doesn't like the way they dress or speak or eat or decorate their house and that they shouldn't take it personally. But ultimately, no matter how individually small a criticism seems, if it's part of a constant dynamic within your relationship, it would be very tough to feel accepted, loved, or validated. If every little thing you do could use improvement in your partner's eyes, then how are you being valued as a true equal, let alone loved unconditionally?

3. Veiled or overt threats, against you or them. Some people think that threats have to be physical in nature to be problematic. But threats of leaving, cutting off "privileges," or even threats by the controlling person to harm herself or himself can be every bit as emotionally manipulative as the threat of physical violence. It is not unheard of for the partner being controlled to feel stuck in a relationship not out of fear that they themselves will be harmed, but that their partner may self-destruct or harm themselves if they were to leave. Other times, a person may be threatened with losing their home, access to their children, or financial support if they leave a controlling or abusive partner (or are left by them). Whether or not the threats are genuine, it is just another way for the controlling person to get what they want at the expense of their partner.

4. Making acceptance/caring/attraction conditional. "I love you so much more when you're making those sales at work." "I don't feel like being intimate with you. But if you keep working out and lose a bit more weight, you'll be more attractive to me." "If you can't even be bothered to make dinner, I don't even know what I'm getting from this relationship." "You'd be hot if only you spent more time on your hair." "If you'd actually finished college, you'd have something to talk about with my friends and wouldn't feel so left out." Though some of these examples are more blatant than others, the message is the same: You, right now, are not good enough. It's the common-denominator theme of many a controlling relationship.

5. An overactive scorecard. Healthy, stable relationships have a sense of reciprocity built into them. It's inherent that you will look out for each other, and not bean-count every little time you do something to help the other out. If your partner always keeps tally of every last interaction within your relationship—whether to hold a grudge, demand a favor in return, or be patted on the back—it could very well be their way of having the upper hand. And it can be downright exhausting.

6. Using guilt as a tool. Many controlling people are skilled manipulators at making their partner's own emotions work in the controlling person's favor. If they can manipulate their partners into feeling a steady stream of guilt about everyday goings-on, then a lot of the controlling person's work is done for them—their partners will gradually try to do whatever they can to not have to feel guilty. Often this means relenting and giving up power and their own dissenting opinion within the relationship, which plays right into the controlling person's hands.

7. Creating a debt you're beholden to. Controlling people may come on very strongly in the beginning with seemingly romantic gestures. But upon closer inspection, many of those gestures—extravagant gifts, expectations of serious commitment early on, taking you for luxurious meals or on adventurous outings, letting you have full use of their car or home when they're not there—can be used to control you. Specifically, they create an expectation of you giving something in return, or a sense that you feel beholden to that person because of all they've given you. This can make it more emotionally and logistically difficult to escape when further warning bells go off.

8. Spying, snooping, or requiring constant disclosure. A controlling partner typically feels that they have the right to know more than they actually do. Whether they keep their snooping secret or openly demand that you must share everything with them, it is a violation of boundaries from the get-go. Perhaps he or she checks your phone, logs into your email, or constantly tracks your Internet history, and then justifies this by saying they've been burned before, have trust issues, or the old standard: "If you're not doing anything wrong, then you shouldn't mind showing me." It's a violation of your privacy, hand-in-hand with the unsettling message that they have no interest in trusting you and instead want to take on a police-like presence within your relationship.

9. Overactive jealousy, accusations, or paranoia. A partner's jealousy can be flattering in the beginning; it can arguably be viewed as endearing, or a sign of how much they care or how attached they are. When it becomes more intense, however, it can be scary and possessive. A partner who views every interaction you have as being flirtatious, is suspicious or threatened by multiple people you come in contact with, or faults you for innocent interactions because they may be "leading someone on" may be insecure, anxious, competitive or even paranoid. Additionally, when this perspective becomes ingrained within your relationship, they very likely are attempting to be controlling as well.

10. Not respecting your need for time alone. It's another way of sapping your strength: making you feel guilty for time you need on your own to recharge, or making you feel like you don't love them enough when you perhaps need less time with them than they need with you. It is natural that two partners may not automatically have the exact same needs in terms of alone time, even if they are both extroverts (or introverts). In healthy relationships, communication about those needs leads to a workable compromise. In controlling ones, the person needing the alone time is made out to be a villain or denied the time altogether, taking away yet another way they can strengthen themselves.

10 WAYS WOMEN ACT WHEN THEY DON’T LOVE YOU ANYMORE

When a woman has stopped loving you, it could feel like the world is coming to an end. There are certain signs she lets out when she has lost interest in you and having a relationship with you.

When a woman no longer loves you, the signs she shows doesn’t go beyond these:

1. SHE DOESN’T BOTHER ANYMORE

When a woman stops loving a man, her caring and inquisitive nature dies off; she no longer bothers about what goes on in her man’s life, she doesn’t bother and she hardly cares.

2. SHE NO LONGER FINDS HIM ATTRACTIVE

When a woman is in love, she finds her man super attractive and charming. However, the same cannot be said when she stops loving him; no matter how good-looking he is, she wouldn’t find him attractive once she has lost that desire for him.

3. SHE NO LONGER PUTS IN EFFORTS

A woman in love would put in all efforts for her man and the relationship, but when this isn’t the case, she wouldn’t care about the relationship anymore — so she wouldn’t put efforts to make the relationship better or show her man that she cares.

4. COMMUNICATION DIES OFF

Even though she might still linger in the relationship with you, if she’s stopped loving you then her communication with you would die off. Those moments where you both get to talk and laugh for hours would die off and she wouldn’t let you in on what’s going on in her life; you would be like a complete stranger to her.

5. SHE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL

This is also a given if a woman has fallen out of love with you. She would do things without minding the repercussions; she no longer cares about how you feel and never bothers to make you happy.

6. SHE’S RARELY MOVED BY YOUR ANTICS

Also, when a woman no longer loves a man, she no longer gets moved by the things he does for her; if she loves him, she would appreciate the little things he does for her and if she doesn’t love him, she wouldn’t appreciate the things he does for her.

7. THE COMMUNICATION WOULD COME FROM YOU

Like I mentioned in the 4th tip, her communication with you would die off when she no longer loves you, but it doesn’t just end there. She wouldn’t start the communication or make any move to; every form of communication would be from the man and she might never respond.

8. SHE DOESN’T DO ANYTHING SPECIAL ANYMORE

When a woman stops loving a man, she wouldn’t have the desire to do special things for him anymore. She wouldn’t treat him nice, she wouldn’t make him feel loved and she just wouldn’t care.

9. NO ATTENTION

You know how everyone craves attention in a relationship? Everyone loves getting attention from their partners; but when a woman stops loving a man, her attention dies off with the love.

10. PHYSICAL INTIMACY DIES OFF

When a woman loses interest in her man, the physical intimacy between them would die off too. She wouldn’t want any form of intimacy from him and she would ward off all intimate advances from her man. These are the common signs a woman show when she’s no longer in love with her man.

MATURITY IS EVERYTHING IN LIFE

Just bcos you lost me as a friend doesn't mean you gained me as an enemy. I am bigger than that. I still want to see you eat, but not just at my table.

12 SIGNS OF A CONTROLLING PERSONALITY

Many of us picture the typical schoolyard bully when we think of a controlling person. We might imagine someone who aggressively commands others to do what they want.

But there are many more subtle signs you may not be aware of, and this kind of behavior isn’t only limited to romantic relationships. Controlling people show up in all areas of life — co-workers, bosses, friends, family, and even strangers. If you end up feeling small, embarrassed, or humiliated whenever you come in contact with them, it may be time to step back and re-evaluate who you’re spending time with.

Here’s a look at 12 signs that might suggest someone has a controlling personality.

1. They make you think everything’s your fault

You’re blamed for minor things you have nothing to do with. If something goes wrong, they take on the role of victim and make you believe you’re responsible for things beyond your control. You might hear “it’s all your fault” or “you shouldn’t have done this” come up in conversation.

2. They criticize you all the time

A controlling person will attempt to undermine your confidence by making jabs at you in private or public.

Here are a few examples of these methods:

exaggerating your flaws at work (always pointing out typos in an email, for example)

and never acknowledging when you do something right, becoming irrationally angry if you don’t answer your phone right away making mean jokes about you in front of others criticizing the way you dress or speak. They don’t want you to see the people you love

3. They don't give you space

Demanding your attention constantly and gradually isolating you from friends and family is a method of control. They’ll try to keep you all to themselves by complaining about how often you hang out with certain friends or family members. But it’s not always this obvious. They may just glare at you when you’re on the phone with loved ones or groan when you go to spend time with family.

4. They keep score

They always expect something in return and make you feel guilty if you don’t do what they want. They keep tabs on every little favor.

If they paid for your dinner one night or let you crash at their place, for example, they’ll bring it up repeatedly. They might also go out of their way to appear overly generous as a way to keep you indebted to them.

5. They gaslight you

They underplay your experience by lying or accusing you of being overly sensitive. If you’re upset about something they told you last week, they’ll deny ever having said it and that it’s all in your mind. You start second-guessing yourself all the time.

Say you suspect a close friend of spreading false rumors about you. In response, they’ll say you’re imagining things or blame someone else, despite any evidence you might have.

6. They create drama

If you had a big win at work, a controlling person might immediately change the subject and sulk about something that upset them that day to regain your attention.

They may also sabotage your relationships with others as a way to have a leg up on you. For example, they might take screen shots of your private texts without permission and send them to others.

7. They intimidate you

Someone exerting excessive control may constantly act superior and try to undermine your reputation. At work, this can look like a co-worker who always interrupts you during a meeting to state their own opinion or a boss who disdainfully talks down to you in front of your peers.

They may also make veiled threats in the way of jokes: “If you don’t turn this in by tomorrow, I’ll start clearing out your desk. Just kidding!”

8. They’re moody

They show drastic mood changes — one moment they’re buying you gifts and lavishing you with praise, and the next, they’re acting like a bully.

You end up feeling like you’re walking on eggshells and never know where you stand with them. They also won’t take responsibility or say “sorry” when they’ve upset you.

9. They don’t take ‘no’ for an answer

A controlling person often won’t accept healthy boundaries and will try to persuade or pressure you into changing your mind.

If you’ve said you can’t meet up this weekend, they’ll show up uninvited to your house. Or they’ll refuse to let you leave a party early even after saying you feel sick.

10. They’re unreasonably jealous

They always want your undivided attention and become upset when you make plans with others.

They might do the following;

-speak badly or making negative comments about you and your friends

-interrogate you about where you go or who you see

-pout every time you plan to go out with someone new

11. They try to change you

They’ll try to mold you to suit their own interests by pressuring you to make changes to your appearance or the way you dress. They may throw out your favorite pair of jeans when you’re at work or refuse to leave the house unless you’re dressed a certain way.

12. They may show abusive behavior

If you find yourself relating to the above signs, take a moment to be honest with yourself about the situation and assess whether these controlling patterns have become abusive.

Ask yourself if the person is controlling your freedom and autonomy. Do you feel trapped, dominated, and fearful all the time? Are you concerned for your safety?

All of these are clear red flags that the behavior has turned into coercive control, a form of domestic violence. Feeling free to be yourself is one of the most important aspects of your identity and self-worth. No romantic relationship, friendship, or working relationship should make you feel small or unsafe.

Remember, no matter what they’ve told you, none of this is your fault and you deserve better than to live life this way.

BE A MAN OF YOUR WORD, AND NOT OF MANY WORDS

I know that, often, we all say some things at the beginning of a relationship to make the other person fall in love with us. We even make some promises that we don’t mean to keep. And we do it so that person will like us.

Sometimes it’s okay if they’re just little things. Sometimes you’re allowed to lie as long as they are white lies. Sometimes it is impossible to keep your word, and you don’t have to.

It’s reasonable for situations like this to happen.But how many times has he failed you and broken his promises. How many times hasn’t he kept his word? Try to count and if the number is big, then you should try to make some changes or have a ‘serious talk’ with him.

He promised you something but failed to keep the promise so many times.
You always hoped he’d change. That he’d be more honest and try to keep his word or the promise he made.
If a man in love makes a promise, he’ll try to keep his word even if it kills him. But he didn’t even try.

He didn’t bother because he thought that you’d be there forever to believe him and forgive him every time he broke a promise. Now he can see that he was wrong.He thought that they were little things and that it wasn’t a big deal if he didn’t honor them.
But that was his biggest mistake because he failed even on those little things.

The little things are what matter in life. Everything you asked of him or made him promise was for your happiness and better life.

You were never selfish.You only wanted to make sure you were both happy. But he didn’t care for your feelings and that’s why he didn’t want to make you happy. He couldn’t do what you asked him to do, because to him it wasn’t important. It’s as simple as that. Whenever you were talking about your future he would try to change the subject or to postpone the conversation for some other time, while always promising that you would talk about it.

But of course, you never did. Because you never had any future together to begin with. Now you have started to be sick of words and promises. You want some proof that he means what he says. You can’t stand his sugar-coated words anymore. He talks, but never does anything to prove that he means what he says.
Do you remember how many times he promised that he’d put you at the top of his priority list?

That he’d try to spend more time with you? How many times did he promise that he’d be more romantic, more creative, more adventurous for you? From the first day you fell in love, you had to be his priority, just like he was yours. But you weren’t.
How long did you have to wait to become the most important person in his life?  He took that place in your life for so many years, so why did you have to wait? He said that he loved you more than anything and that he wouldn’t allow anything bad to happen to you. That he wouldn’t allow anyone to hurt you. It was him and you against the world, right? But they were all just words. Meaningless words.

He lied and you have to be aware of that. Why didn’t he stop himself from hurting you? Why didn’t he stop lying? He let himself hurt you so many times. He let you down so many times. He is the reason why the spark in your relationship faded.

A man who loves you will never think about hurting you emotionally or purposely let you down. He will go out of his way to make sure you are safe and sound in every way possible and when someone else hurts you, he will make sure they pay for it one way or another. Men know very well what women want to hear. They know that it is easier to tell a woman what they love to hear. To promise her something she wants without any intention of keeping that promise.
They know that a lie leads to action, and it will disappear before your reaction.

He never showed any signs of remorse? Why would he? He is not an honest and truthful man. He is not that brave. Accepting and admitting your mistakes requires courage and integrity – both traits he didn’t have. A man without character will never accept the blame and that they did something wrong. He is always up for playing the blame game.

We are all humans and it is okay to make mistakes. We all make them.
But if you love someone you feel guilty every time you do something wrong and you ask for forgiveness.
You were convinced that it was your fault that he wasn’t keeping his word the way you wanted him to. You thought the problem was inside you and that you needed to change something if you wanted him to stay.
Do you remember all those times you looked at yourself in the mirror trying to figure out why you weren’t good enough?

Do you remember how many times you cried yourself to sleep because he’d broken his promise again? And he did it countless times. And believe me, he would have continued to do it if you hadn’t stopped him. When you realize you can’t change him, that not even 100 ‘second chances’ or closing your eyes would make him love you and be a better man for you, that is when you’ll finally be free and start loving yourself more.

Remember how you tried to convince yourself that it would be better to be with him even if it hurt you, than to be completely without him. Remember the day you finally decided you had to free yourself from him. Letting him go will be the hardest thing in your life, but it will pay off.

One day someone else will come into your life and he’ll show you that you deserve a man who will stand behind his words and that you deserve someone who will keep his promises. And that’s why you should be thankful to him. He’s made you realize what you deserve. You have become stronger because of him.
Every time he let you down, you searched for comfort in yourself, you found a strength you didn’t even know you had and started loving yourself more.

Value yourself enough to spare yourself from further pain. You’ve already tried so hard to change him and to make him realize how miserable he is making you with all of his false promises. You can’t do more than you have already done. You are also exhausted. Give yourself time to heal. You’ll feel peace very soon, you’ll actually be able to hear silence in your heart. That’ll mean that you are ready to move on. That your heart is ready for a new storm.

Don’t be afraid of that new storm. You need the strong winds to blow away what no longer serves you.
Storms are reminders that we are still alive. Life can’t always be great, just like the weather can’t always be sunny, because we learn through contrast. We grow through the changes. If he can’t keep his promises, then he is a man that doesn’t believe in forever. The word ‘forever’ clearly doesn’t exist in his vocabulary.

But you believe, you believe in forever love and shouldn’t settle for someone who doesn’t. You deserve it, and eventually it will come to you. Just be patient. Let go of him and forget about all of his broken promises and meaningless words.
Forget all of that so you can trust someone again. Don’t let him destroy your faith in people, or even worse, your faith in love. And always remember, don’t be afraid of storms. Embrace them. There is something beautiful in them. Allow the storms of your life to wake you up.